“You know what? I can get a couple of my brother’s loser ass friends to go over to Mason’s apartment, knock on the door and when he opens it wham! They’ll junk-punch him all up in his man business and he’ll fall to the floor whaling and crying ‘Why?’ and then we’ll say ‘You know why!’”
I had a girls day last Friday, where I met a few friends and we had lunch and then went to the spa to get ridiculously overpriced pedicures (not something we do often, actually probably only once a year, wait, why am I explaining myself to you?). And over lunch my friend, Heather, told me about a blog her friend writes that she follows occasionally and every so often she has “Throat Punch Thursdays” where she publicly flogs people who deserve to be punched in the throat. After I mopped up the soda I spewed all over the table laughing I said “That is brilliant! I want to do something like that!” So I present to you: “You Know Why Wednesdays” where we will lament about people who deserve to be junk-punched, as inspired by the above quote from “What Happens in Vegas.”
The first person that deserves a junk-punch is the guy who holds their wives/girlfriends/girl they hope to sleep with’s purse. Yes, occasionally I’ll ask my husband to hold my purse while I put on my coat. Or maybe I’m trying on something that I don’t need to go into the dressing room and I ask him to hold my purse for those 30 seconds. I’m talking about the poor va-jay-jay-whipped man who agrees to take said purse for an undetermined amount of time and eventually slips the straps onto his shoulder. No. No no no. It is so emasculating and you look like an idiot with that leopard print slouch bad slung on your manly shoulder. Look ladies I get it, our purses get heavy, but that’s our own damn fault. Do you really need lotion, perfume, hair product, a novel and an extra pair of shoes in that thing? No, damnit. You don’t. If I’m going to a concert with my husband my husband becomes my purse, I strategically hide my makeup, ID, cellphone and keys amongst his many pockets that my cute outfit lacks. This is the solution. He doesn’t want to hold your purse but you fight dirtier and longer than he does so he won’t argue with you. But damnit men, you should fight back about this one! If you don’t you deserve to get junk-punched! And you know why!
The next person who deserves a junk-punch is the person who insists on their significant other sitting next to them in a booth when no one else will be joining them. This shit pisses me off. No one at the restaurant wants to see you canoodling, nuzzling, feeding each other and eventually making out. We're here to eat assholes! Sit across from each other like normal people damnit! And for the love of God if you're over the age of 16 and doing this you deserve two junk-punches for that bullshit.
And our final victim must be the person who says, "Eh, I dont need a shower, half a bottle of cologne/perfume will do just fine!" Fuck you asshole. Thanks to you I can no longer breathe and now that I walked through your cloud of stink I will smell like your nasty ass for the next four hours. And for fucksake do not do this and go to a restaurant! Because of your deluge of CK1 or Patchouli Oil I cannot enjoy my food because you reek so bad all I can taste is you! If you notice people leaving an area you just walked into covering their mouths and noses, stop looking around for the cause, it's you asshole!
Thank you for joining me on this first installment of "You Know Why Wednesday!" Go junk-punch someone, they probably deserve it.